What’s So Funny?

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(James, 44 – Entertainer – Washington DC, USA)                                                                                                                                    I am a clown. I entertain people, my appearance my seem funny, but I’m dead inside.

Nothing’s funny

I’ve been in the entertainment business for years, and I’ve been making people laugh for my entire life. I’m a funny person by nature, people love listening to me as I speak, everyone laughs, and I laugh with them, but I don’t see anything funny in the jokes I make. I cry inside, I cry when I’m alone, my life is not the way other people see it.

The price for their laughter

I’ve wanted to stop. Just stop entertaining people, but I couldn’t. It has always been an essential part of me, I guess the price for their laughter is my depression. I’ve continued doing what I was meant for, but I stopped laughing. For every second I laughed like a maniac, there was a minute of grief and sadness. So I stopped doing that, it wasn’t even that funny. Instead, I just kept a poker face and smile just a little at the end. And it worked, I’ve accepted my destiny, tried to smile as much as possible and greeted the sadness with a smile.

I am a clown

The smiling brought light into my life. The laughter was darkness. I am a clown, an entertainer, a stand-up comedian… You can call me whatever you like. My sadness is the price, I’ve already used to it, it just feels nicer being sad with a smile on your face. At least no one knows what I’m struggling with. Being funny is not an easy job. 

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